last night i was really tired and a bit stressed. i was tired after all the hours i had spent sitting in the library with eric, all the coffee i'd been drinking, all the reading i'd done. i was prepared and this was a pissy exam at the end of a pissy semester. what excuse did i have to being stressed?! none at all. nevertheless the pre-exam nerves set in around 7pm. i stared blankly at the pages, willing the words to get into my brain, to form some sort of sense and structure in my mind. no deal. i started reading aloud from the book. random noises erupted from my mouth and made no more more sense to me than russian. so i rang mum to whinge about being stressed.
mum told me to go and watch big brother. eat some chocolate. have a hot shower and go to bed early. so i did. and it worked!
now, i think we all agree today's exam was a bit fluffier than usual. not that i mind fluffiness. writing fluffily is what this is all about. right lou? *grin* anyway, big brother is on in a minute... and more fluffiness to look forward to tomorrow!
30.6.05
25.6.05
there is no why
as much as i try to believe that feelings can be controlled by thoughts; that distorted interpretation of events lead to misguided feelings - sometimes there are no triggers, no warpy thoughts; just waves of restlessness, nausea, hopelessness, anger and anxiety, seething and smouldering; a downward spiral of negative feelings and thoughts; a motherfucking angry black thundercloud. moodgym, people trying to cheer you up, things that seem exciting and the future that seemed brilliant just moments ago, brand new brightly coloured things, sunshine, everything that is positive or trying to be positive - they're nothing but irritations. my dark mood swallows all of these, and all of me, into its black hole. i can't concentrate on anything but this negativity. it fills my entire consciousness. there is nothing i can do; i am helpless against it. all the lights go off but the glare of the computer screen; all the noises turned down, drowned out by silence and the anguished preachings of pink floyd, joy division and nick cave. i am numb. i am dead inside. i feel like lead. i stare fixated at these words appearing on the screen one after another. i have no control over them. they are born inside me but outside me. my will is gone. i am defeated. i cannot fight it any more. i can only sabotage it, snuff it out, with cigarettes and alcohol. with music. it's nearly taken over. all i can do is knock myself out and sink into oblivion. into unconsciousness. into troubled sleep.
22.6.05
blogging etiquette
i try to be as honest as i can when i blog. there are many reasons for this. it's a confession; it means if i get feedback it's relevant; and when i come back to read my old entries, i can still get a sense of what i was feeling/thinking/experiencing back then.
but being honest about myself is one thing. being honest about other people is quite another. and this is public domain, after all. some bloggers have lost friends/hurt others through what they've written. it may be satisfying to vent frustration/anger/hatred in public, but it rarely resolves anything. in fact, it shows that you're a coward, because you're secretly hoping someone else will pick your side and be your champion, or that the person in question might read what you've written and suddenly come to their senses. that's of course bullshit. i've always been a fan of honest, direct, one-to-one confrontations. there is no need to imvolve other people, to talk behind people's backs, to back stab, or to scapegoat. if you want something resolved - do it yourself, or keep it to yourself.
on a milder scale, however, is talking about other people. revealing things about them to the very big, very public cyberspace. for example, my post in june 11. in retrospect i can see that my housemate might be annoyed if he ever read that particular entry and took it the wrong way. fact of the matter is - i didn't write to pass judgement on whether or not he should've been upset, or to criticise what kind of person he is to be upset; rather, i was recording what was happening around me and how it made me think about things, in this case, how society uses money as an yardstick for success and happiness.
i've really made a mess of explaining that one, haven't i? anyway, i see the world through my tinted glasses, which distorts my perception with shades of culture, upbringing and experience. and things may not really be what they seem to me. if you don't like what you read - either tell me about it, and i'll be more than glad to try and see things from your point of view. if you can't tell me about it - well keep it to yourself and stick it up your arse =)
but being honest about myself is one thing. being honest about other people is quite another. and this is public domain, after all. some bloggers have lost friends/hurt others through what they've written. it may be satisfying to vent frustration/anger/hatred in public, but it rarely resolves anything. in fact, it shows that you're a coward, because you're secretly hoping someone else will pick your side and be your champion, or that the person in question might read what you've written and suddenly come to their senses. that's of course bullshit. i've always been a fan of honest, direct, one-to-one confrontations. there is no need to imvolve other people, to talk behind people's backs, to back stab, or to scapegoat. if you want something resolved - do it yourself, or keep it to yourself.
on a milder scale, however, is talking about other people. revealing things about them to the very big, very public cyberspace. for example, my post in june 11. in retrospect i can see that my housemate might be annoyed if he ever read that particular entry and took it the wrong way. fact of the matter is - i didn't write to pass judgement on whether or not he should've been upset, or to criticise what kind of person he is to be upset; rather, i was recording what was happening around me and how it made me think about things, in this case, how society uses money as an yardstick for success and happiness.
i've really made a mess of explaining that one, haven't i? anyway, i see the world through my tinted glasses, which distorts my perception with shades of culture, upbringing and experience. and things may not really be what they seem to me. if you don't like what you read - either tell me about it, and i'll be more than glad to try and see things from your point of view. if you can't tell me about it - well keep it to yourself and stick it up your arse =)
19.6.05
it's a team effort
it's only relatively recently that i've discovered how to study. seeing i'm graduating in six months or so, it's really about time! the secret is
and that's all i'm going to say about it.
seriously though, for me, it comes down to two things: 1) having someone next to me who's also studying, and 2) sharing what you've learnt with someone in a multitude of one page summaries. the first i discovered with lou. she has a lot more staying power than i have when it comes to learning about medicine. so when i feel like a break, i look up, see her nose deep in paediatrics, i sigh, kick myself, and say "perhaps i can last another five minutes". and what do you know, by the end of the next five minutes, i'm half way through learning about meningitis and i might as well finish it. yay-ness! it's so much better than the alternative, which is moping around for the entire day, eating bad food and drinking bad coffee, feeling slightly guilty, and having it all come to a head two days before the exam. the second tip i found out studying for semester 8+9 with brumbles. we divided the various blocks in half, and made concise notes with heaps of flow diagrams and pictures on topics such as "types of leg ulcers" and "groin lumps" - juicy. dividing the blocks in half meant we actually had to work through all the topics, just to be fair to the other person. of course, there are heaps of added bonuses to following these two tips. for me, these included getting to know my study buddy through "chat breaks", broadening my knowledge of popular music, and having excuses to eat junk food.
oh, and passing the exams with a shred of sanity intact =)
and that's all i'm going to say about it.
seriously though, for me, it comes down to two things: 1) having someone next to me who's also studying, and 2) sharing what you've learnt with someone in a multitude of one page summaries. the first i discovered with lou. she has a lot more staying power than i have when it comes to learning about medicine. so when i feel like a break, i look up, see her nose deep in paediatrics, i sigh, kick myself, and say "perhaps i can last another five minutes". and what do you know, by the end of the next five minutes, i'm half way through learning about meningitis and i might as well finish it. yay-ness! it's so much better than the alternative, which is moping around for the entire day, eating bad food and drinking bad coffee, feeling slightly guilty, and having it all come to a head two days before the exam. the second tip i found out studying for semester 8+9 with brumbles. we divided the various blocks in half, and made concise notes with heaps of flow diagrams and pictures on topics such as "types of leg ulcers" and "groin lumps" - juicy. dividing the blocks in half meant we actually had to work through all the topics, just to be fair to the other person. of course, there are heaps of added bonuses to following these two tips. for me, these included getting to know my study buddy through "chat breaks", broadening my knowledge of popular music, and having excuses to eat junk food.
oh, and passing the exams with a shred of sanity intact =)
15.6.05
pick and choose
today i travelled to the land of private health care, in the form of melbourne clinic and glencairn cousulting suites. things were very different there - patients had more choices (probably because they're voluntary), their fellow patients were generally less ill (scary), and perhaps the food was better. then again, the food probably was just as awful. the doctors also had more choices: who to see, but more importantly who not to see. i was a bit indignant at this, at first, but then i realised it has a lot to do with the nature of psychiatry and the critical nature of the therapeutic relationship in providing care. because if the doctor feels ill-at-ease, what chance does he/she have in helping the patient to the best of his/her ability? and this would certainly cause more problems in the long run, then being referred to another psychiatrist.
decided to revive my log of patients i've seen - faces in the rain, after a break of a few months. there are just so many people i meet, whose stories i want to remember for ever. i guess words can never do justice to meeting them in person, but they are the best i can do at this point. i also asked gal to contribute. if any of you kids out there want to chip in as well, just gimme a buzz =)
decided to revive my log of patients i've seen - faces in the rain, after a break of a few months. there are just so many people i meet, whose stories i want to remember for ever. i guess words can never do justice to meeting them in person, but they are the best i can do at this point. i also asked gal to contribute. if any of you kids out there want to chip in as well, just gimme a buzz =)
13.6.05
carn the lions!
have had an unreal long weekend and feeling very positive. i think the key was spending time with people i really care about - you guys rock my world! friday night was spent at the bar under the new downunder hotel at queensbury and lygon, watching the rain bucketing down outside, drinking $4 crownies (what an absolute bargain!) with mike and gal, having protracted arguments about nothing =) saturday was taken up with laundry, dishes, cooking, studying with xiang, my self-adopted sister (the bestest in the world), and watching the boys maul the blues at telstra dome. that put me in a really good mood! yesterday i went cd-hunting and coffee-drinking with the lovely minnie and eric, then trained out to ivanhoe to watch "meet the fockers" with jim's birthday entourage (the usual suspects plus a number of random people) - it wasn't nearly as painful as i thought it would be. scored a ride home with aaron too, in his new old car. he was on the way to ararat (aaa-aa-aat says baz), where he's working as a dentist.
haven't felt anxious or sad the whole weekend so far! the distractions may have helped, but perhaps it was mood gym (at dr horgan's suggestion). not quite convinced about the principles of cbt yet, but it's worth a look as some of the examples they come up with are absolutely hilarious. also check out this star wars spoof below - especially if you're a fan of the saga like me!
haven't felt anxious or sad the whole weekend so far! the distractions may have helped, but perhaps it was mood gym (at dr horgan's suggestion). not quite convinced about the principles of cbt yet, but it's worth a look as some of the examples they come up with are absolutely hilarious. also check out this star wars spoof below - especially if you're a fan of the saga like me!
11.6.05
may the force be with us all
dunno got a new job yesterday. his new job offers a more up-to-date way of working, a hefty raise in his salary, and a chance to start afresh. the downside is he will be stuck doing residential properties out in weribee for at least six months. his dad was keen on the new salary; his twin was not so keen on his compromising (valuing residential properties when all he really wants to do is commercial). this is one of the differences between the old and the young, i suppose.
the most surprising response was from thommo though. he seemed a bit upset that dunno will be earning almost twice as much as him. upset at himself, i think. he'd recently bought his tickets for his trip to brazil at the end of the year and is having to budget quite severely. i told him to look at things from another perspective - to measure happiness from what you're doing with your money, not how much money you're earning. if he did this he'd see that a) he's going to brazil, b) he's not short of anything he really needs, c) he's got a girlfriend and things are going well, d) he's working in a job that he likes, e) he's working reasonable hours unlike dunno, who has to put in 12-hour days all the time.
i don't think he was entirely convinced. i talked to mum about it, and she said it's hard not to feel that you've made a wrong choice and to judge your happiness by your earnings. i was adament that money would never be the yardstick for my happiness. in her infinite wisdom, mum laughed and said i was a silly boy. *sigh*
just remembered something funny. katherine buzzard said to me on thursday: "chi, you look like yoda". err, right then. may the force be with you too.
the most surprising response was from thommo though. he seemed a bit upset that dunno will be earning almost twice as much as him. upset at himself, i think. he'd recently bought his tickets for his trip to brazil at the end of the year and is having to budget quite severely. i told him to look at things from another perspective - to measure happiness from what you're doing with your money, not how much money you're earning. if he did this he'd see that a) he's going to brazil, b) he's not short of anything he really needs, c) he's got a girlfriend and things are going well, d) he's working in a job that he likes, e) he's working reasonable hours unlike dunno, who has to put in 12-hour days all the time.
i don't think he was entirely convinced. i talked to mum about it, and she said it's hard not to feel that you've made a wrong choice and to judge your happiness by your earnings. i was adament that money would never be the yardstick for my happiness. in her infinite wisdom, mum laughed and said i was a silly boy. *sigh*
just remembered something funny. katherine buzzard said to me on thursday: "chi, you look like yoda". err, right then. may the force be with you too.
9.6.05
no er for me
our dodgy tv aerial is dying. there is no point watching channel seven at all, with the thunderstorm noise in the background; channel nine is moody, sometimes watchable, tonight not at all - which means i can't watch er (!!!); sbs is barely visible and abc has always been dead. the only watchable channel is ten. seriously. i guess at least i can watch bb. now i don't watch much tv at all - but er is essential viewing for a medical student! how can i expect to know anything if i can't learn? does this mean if a patient dies on me when i'm in emerg, i'm allowed to blame channel nine for their terrible broadcasting signals? and i've been to brumbles' house that many times on a thursday, that she must be getting suspicious by now. besides, steph is studying for exams. *sigh* that's it, i'm moving away from this stupid house.
hijacked poor pete for an hour last night, forcing him to be my psychotherapist, making him listen to my personal problems (thanks to the not quite buried issue from april 30 rearing its head, or "MG" as lou dubbed it). unloading my insecurities on a responsive mate did make me feel better though. but then again that could've been the kahlua. *smirk* thanks for listening pete you're a lifesaver - even if you didn't have much choice haha =)
hijacked poor pete for an hour last night, forcing him to be my psychotherapist, making him listen to my personal problems (thanks to the not quite buried issue from april 30 rearing its head, or "MG" as lou dubbed it). unloading my insecurities on a responsive mate did make me feel better though. but then again that could've been the kahlua. *smirk* thanks for listening pete you're a lifesaver - even if you didn't have much choice haha =)
8.6.05
zeitgeist
mickey and i met an ageing hippy today. he was well-spoken, high-functioning, passionate about his politics, and the primary carer for his wife. he also drank alot. then he had a few seizures and somehow ended up at broadie psych inpatients. now as far as i know people don't get assessed by CATT and section 12'd for a month just for seizures. and he did seem a bit tangential to me, as well as being very difficult to interrupt; and his self-esteem was just that smidgeon too high for a person in his position.
ahh, mania and psychosis. what wonderful tricks the mind gets up to when you let it slip. and with it, the lack of insight makes this burden a blessing! how wonderful it would be to carry on and not know responsibility? sometimes i envy them. luckily i can wield the act and section them and drug them and shackle them with partial insight. ahh, i am a sinner. this is my confession and i repent. but i know i will commit it again.
i am in a strange mood tonight. scattered. filled with anxiety.
ahh, mania and psychosis. what wonderful tricks the mind gets up to when you let it slip. and with it, the lack of insight makes this burden a blessing! how wonderful it would be to carry on and not know responsibility? sometimes i envy them. luckily i can wield the act and section them and drug them and shackle them with partial insight. ahh, i am a sinner. this is my confession and i repent. but i know i will commit it again.
i am in a strange mood tonight. scattered. filled with anxiety.
5.6.05
every cigarette is doing you damage...
... or so they say. now as a medical student, i am supposed to know the evils of tobacco smoking like the back of my hands. and in a way, i do. i know bits and pieces about the pathophysiology of atherosclerosis, emphysema, and cancer; i've heard the condemning epidemiology to death; and i've met and known patients suffering and dying because of their smoking. but even though i know all this, somehow i am still in the precontemplation stage of change.
i think there are three main reasons why this had been so. firstly, i've always thought doctors should not preach to their patients. nor should they lead by example. for after all, they are human beings just like their patients, not some perfect example of a healthy human being. as we all know, this is so far from the truth it's not funny. if you want an example, get to know some physios *grins... ahh, what a good time rapp was* patients should know the facts, and make up their own mind. i think some people call it informed consent. i call it taking responsibility for your own life. secondly, i don't think i really have full insight into what is going on. psychiatrists talk about several levels of insight. the highest level is emotional insight, when you not only understand what is going on, but you feel it and actively pursue a particular course of action. the next level is intellectual insight, when you understand what is going on, and you follow a particular course of action, because of secondary gains. i think my insight into this smoking business is the same. while i understand that smoking causes bad things, somehow i don't really believe it. i suppose it's because i'm not really a logical person, like galaxy or mike - but more of an emotional blob. maybe all that i need to become a believer is the first patient i take care of as an intern who has COAD. thirdly, i enjoy smoking. i don't want to quit. i don't think i'm addicted - but of course i don't know for sure. the last time i stopped smoking for an extended period of time was for ten weeks at the beginning of the year, when i was doing my electives in taiwan. i felt like a smoke a few times, but it didn't really bother me that much. when i got back to australia i started again, for no other reason but because i enjoy it.
yesterday i was having a smoke with dunno outside in our smoking chairs. he was talking about getting some nicotine patches, gum and flavoured tooth picks. he was talking about quitting and doing more exercise and sorting out his job and saving money and getting a chick. dunno talks about a lot of things - mostly crap. he's being doing it for years (sorry dunno but you know it's true). but yesterday he seemed more ernest than ever. he was even applying the fundamental concepts of behaviour therapy without knowing it (when you feel like a smoke, you come out here, sit in the chair, chew gum. but only out here. not anywhere else). so i said fine i'll quit as well, just to make things easier for you. i'm always making impulsive decisions like this (like that time i said i'd jump into the pool in the middle of winter if thommo did it - oh boy was i sorry). so all of a sudden i've shifted gears from precontemplation to action, skipping through contemplation and planning (doesn't this mean i'm bound to fail?), and chewing gum with a hell-bent intensity of withdrawal. i guess i was addicted after all. maybe i should stop smoking and clean up my system, at least for a while. but the real test will come when i am worrying about my ballarat interview on monday morning, and when brumbles or anyone else asks me to have a smoke with them. only time will tell if i have truly quit for good, or just around dunno.
i think there are three main reasons why this had been so. firstly, i've always thought doctors should not preach to their patients. nor should they lead by example. for after all, they are human beings just like their patients, not some perfect example of a healthy human being. as we all know, this is so far from the truth it's not funny. if you want an example, get to know some physios *grins... ahh, what a good time rapp was* patients should know the facts, and make up their own mind. i think some people call it informed consent. i call it taking responsibility for your own life. secondly, i don't think i really have full insight into what is going on. psychiatrists talk about several levels of insight. the highest level is emotional insight, when you not only understand what is going on, but you feel it and actively pursue a particular course of action. the next level is intellectual insight, when you understand what is going on, and you follow a particular course of action, because of secondary gains. i think my insight into this smoking business is the same. while i understand that smoking causes bad things, somehow i don't really believe it. i suppose it's because i'm not really a logical person, like galaxy or mike - but more of an emotional blob. maybe all that i need to become a believer is the first patient i take care of as an intern who has COAD. thirdly, i enjoy smoking. i don't want to quit. i don't think i'm addicted - but of course i don't know for sure. the last time i stopped smoking for an extended period of time was for ten weeks at the beginning of the year, when i was doing my electives in taiwan. i felt like a smoke a few times, but it didn't really bother me that much. when i got back to australia i started again, for no other reason but because i enjoy it.
yesterday i was having a smoke with dunno outside in our smoking chairs. he was talking about getting some nicotine patches, gum and flavoured tooth picks. he was talking about quitting and doing more exercise and sorting out his job and saving money and getting a chick. dunno talks about a lot of things - mostly crap. he's being doing it for years (sorry dunno but you know it's true). but yesterday he seemed more ernest than ever. he was even applying the fundamental concepts of behaviour therapy without knowing it (when you feel like a smoke, you come out here, sit in the chair, chew gum. but only out here. not anywhere else). so i said fine i'll quit as well, just to make things easier for you. i'm always making impulsive decisions like this (like that time i said i'd jump into the pool in the middle of winter if thommo did it - oh boy was i sorry). so all of a sudden i've shifted gears from precontemplation to action, skipping through contemplation and planning (doesn't this mean i'm bound to fail?), and chewing gum with a hell-bent intensity of withdrawal. i guess i was addicted after all. maybe i should stop smoking and clean up my system, at least for a while. but the real test will come when i am worrying about my ballarat interview on monday morning, and when brumbles or anyone else asks me to have a smoke with them. only time will tell if i have truly quit for good, or just around dunno.
1.6.05
california dreaming
another grey day in our city by the bay. the trees have begun to shed their leaves like so much confetti, in flurries of amber and brown. dammit i hate the cold! which idiot decided to establish a town in this godawful place?
interviews: three down and one to go. i think they went okay. it's such a relief to have them out of the way. ballarat will hopefully be just an enjoyable day in the country, even if i have to catch the train from the chaos that is spencer street at the moment. i'll definitely be a lot happier when it's done, and i can just get back to learning about med. after all, it isn't that long before we might have to use what we are supposed to have learnt, on real people. what a horrifying thought that is.
catherine came over this afternoon for another debrief/chat. perhaps she just wanted an excuse to smoke. *grin* even though i've heard most of her stories many times in the past, on our drives out to the western, for some reason i still enjoy listening to her tell them. i'm such a sucker for stories. and somehow i've also managed to meet most of her family, as well as heard so much about them, that i feel i know them. bizarre. next year our group will most likely be broken up, working at different hospitals, i am definitely going to miss having her as a neighbour. i am definitely going to have to learn to drive, too. haha, 'tis true - i am so incredibly lazy.
interviews: three down and one to go. i think they went okay. it's such a relief to have them out of the way. ballarat will hopefully be just an enjoyable day in the country, even if i have to catch the train from the chaos that is spencer street at the moment. i'll definitely be a lot happier when it's done, and i can just get back to learning about med. after all, it isn't that long before we might have to use what we are supposed to have learnt, on real people. what a horrifying thought that is.
catherine came over this afternoon for another debrief/chat. perhaps she just wanted an excuse to smoke. *grin* even though i've heard most of her stories many times in the past, on our drives out to the western, for some reason i still enjoy listening to her tell them. i'm such a sucker for stories. and somehow i've also managed to meet most of her family, as well as heard so much about them, that i feel i know them. bizarre. next year our group will most likely be broken up, working at different hospitals, i am definitely going to miss having her as a neighbour. i am definitely going to have to learn to drive, too. haha, 'tis true - i am so incredibly lazy.
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