there is no why

as much as i try to believe that feelings can be controlled by thoughts; that distorted interpretation of events lead to misguided feelings - sometimes there are no triggers, no warpy thoughts; just waves of restlessness, nausea, hopelessness, anger and anxiety, seething and smouldering; a downward spiral of negative feelings and thoughts; a motherfucking angry black thundercloud. moodgym, people trying to cheer you up, things that seem exciting and the future that seemed brilliant just moments ago, brand new brightly coloured things, sunshine, everything that is positive or trying to be positive - they're nothing but irritations. my dark mood swallows all of these, and all of me, into its black hole. i can't concentrate on anything but this negativity. it fills my entire consciousness. there is nothing i can do; i am helpless against it. all the lights go off but the glare of the computer screen; all the noises turned down, drowned out by silence and the anguished preachings of pink floyd, joy division and nick cave. i am numb. i am dead inside. i feel like lead. i stare fixated at these words appearing on the screen one after another. i have no control over them. they are born inside me but outside me. my will is gone. i am defeated. i cannot fight it any more. i can only sabotage it, snuff it out, with cigarettes and alcohol. with music. it's nearly taken over. all i can do is knock myself out and sink into oblivion. into unconsciousness. into troubled sleep.