my days are decided on a whim. while i've been on the road, external factors had played a big part in their shaping: where i am going to sleep; what i am going to eat; when i need to get up. now that i am home, i have withdrawn into a cocoon of self-indulgence. i sleep until i am no longer tired. i eat as much as i want of mums cooking. i play computer games for hours. apart from a few chores and applying for jobs, the only worries i have are my desires. god it's a tough life! but i am slowly and surely becoming disgusted at myself.
i can't remember what it feels like to be a doctor. for what seems like the last few weeks in europe i dreamed about work every night. it wasnt exactly unpleasant, either. was i missing the camaraderie? the feeling of power, responsibility and purpose? it certainly wasnt the hours or the stress? and i definitely havent missed the game of hamming up my resume, picking the right tie to go with the shirt, or sucking up to hr. god knows i suck at it. i am scared but i am looking forward to it. hopefully i will have a job in melbourne next year.
i'd forgotten how cold it gets in melbourne. ballarat is going to be even colder. i wonder why i like it there so much? it could be that it was my first hospital, that i got to know lots of people, and that they happened to be lovely. perhaps melbourne will be just as good. i doubt it though.