tangerine

how happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
the world forgetting, by the world forgot:
eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
each prayer accepted, and each wish resign'd.

i thought i was foolish. i thought
i'd mistaken infatuation for love. you said:
so what. infatuation is good, too.

i'm not a concept. i
want you to just keep that in your head.
too many guys think i'm a concept or
i complete them or
i'm going to make them alive, but
i'm just a fucked-up girl who is
looking for my own peace of mind.
don't assign me to yours.

holiday in the sun

i open my eyes slowly. it is morning. i am restless to get up - there are exciting things to do and interesting people to meet. why would i sleep in? i make coffee and drink it outside, watching the fluffy clouds hanging on the horizon like pieces of cotton wool pinned to a drape of turquoise blue. a cigarette or two. read a book. do some packing. learn to drive. meet up with friends for coffee or lunch or christmas shopping. head down to the beach for a few days of board games and backyard cricket. the long bright days stretch out into warm buzzing nights. i am content. it's good to be alive right now.

all over red rover

this is the end
my beautiful friend
this is the end
my only friend, the end

of our elaborate plans, the end
of everything that stands, the end
no safety or surprise, the end
i'll never look into your eyes again

it hurts to set you free
but you'll never follow me
the end of laughter and soft lies
the end of nights we tried to die
- the doors

six years of pleasure and pain drew to a close in thirty-six hours of hypomanic frenzy. bedford's for seven hours. poker and games at pete and jim's until five-thirty am. four hours sleep before fifty balls at the driving range. the rainbow-coloured blur of faces and dresses at mallory-weiss. sorry sis i didn't get your missed call until 12:30am. i must've fallen asleep... excessive amounts of alcohol can do that to you. which songs did you sing?

it's over. soon we will wander down new trails and tackle new challenges. but that time is not yet. now is the time for rest.

4 monkeys

a heart filled with bitterness leaves no room for beauty. beauty chanced upon me, but my soul was filled with sorrow and scorn. it found no rest upon my furrowed brow and heavy sighs. because i was unwilling to let go of my doubt, i was blinded by beauty, and it passed me by.

stop looking for faults in others. look for love.
stop looking for excuses. focus on the solution.
stop dwelling on my faults. remember the gifts i have been given.

oh, when will you come to me? i will walk within my house with a perfect heart. i will set nothing wicked before my eyes - psalms 101