last sunday night i was feeling down in the dumps. basically there are things i can't do anything about, but i thought i could. this disparity made me frustrated, and i directed my frustration inwards, resulting in a downward spiral of self-blame and feelings of inadequacy. my problem is i care too much - i'm naturally an obsessive person. at the same time i am very possessive. if something goes wrong it must be my fault. this is an evil combination of personality traits.
luckily lou was online to straighten me out. after i vented a lot of frustration, we came up with three helpful thoughts to replace my warpy ones: 1) it's not just you; 2) it will never work, it's bad for you, let it go; 3) there isn't anything you can do about this, but there are things you can do something about. now i have these written on the back of my door. and i think it's working. the problems are still there, but it's not all my fault. i feel happier. it's a strange feeling.
lou believes there is good and beauty in all of us, waiting to grow, and that god has good things planned for us if only we'd let go of our worldly obsessions and trust in him. i look around and see only misery and ugliness threatening to overwhelm whatever goodness that sparks, and that god (if he exists) doesn't care about us at all. i often wonder why we don't argue more. maybe it's because our viewpoints are so far apart we don't ever come close to clashing. but since last sunday night i've been thinking about lou's viewpoint. it says we have a choice. we can choose to make our lives worthwhile. that it's not necessarily a losing battle, a futile effort, a burden we must carry until we die.
i don't know what is happening to me. am i becoming an optimist?
24.9.05
20.9.05
the game of life
human beings are fascinating creatures. supposedly sitting on top of the evolutionary ladder, we actually find ourselves living the lifestyle of bacteria. for billions of years since unicellular organisms first came about, bits of life has been sticking together for survival advantage: symbiosis, schools, stampedes, tribes and families. but now while creation may still require coupling, survival has been reduced to the maintenance of self-esteem. in fact, when one loses the will, the system still tries to keep you alive in a biological sense.
in a way, there is actually a perpetual battle being waged between man and the world around him. with the disintegration of culture and the over-abundance of ideas, a stable self-identity is becoming harder and harder to develop and preserve. evolution is now taking place within the space of one life time - within the mind of one person. the curious and self-aware consciousness continuously examines and re-examines it's core values and modifies them in the face of external events. those consciousnesses that succeed in adapting to changing circumstances survive and the person remains sane. those consciousnesses that do not succumb to the chaos and descend into insanity.
a person's self-esteem is often measured by other's reactions towards them. do i feel valued by others around me? it is an addictive game. one acts in ways such that they will be valued by others. a well-behaved child, a service performed gracefully, self-sacrifice for others - these are all strategies employed to gain appreciation. however, like all games, all the players are really in it for themselves, unless they are your allies. and even then, they may stab you in the back if they can get away with it.
however, like all games, it breaks down when the players don't follow the rules. if you don't base your self-esteem on how much you perceive other people value you, for example in individuals with narcissistic personality disorder, and in people who believe in a benevolent god.
in a way, there is actually a perpetual battle being waged between man and the world around him. with the disintegration of culture and the over-abundance of ideas, a stable self-identity is becoming harder and harder to develop and preserve. evolution is now taking place within the space of one life time - within the mind of one person. the curious and self-aware consciousness continuously examines and re-examines it's core values and modifies them in the face of external events. those consciousnesses that succeed in adapting to changing circumstances survive and the person remains sane. those consciousnesses that do not succumb to the chaos and descend into insanity.
a person's self-esteem is often measured by other's reactions towards them. do i feel valued by others around me? it is an addictive game. one acts in ways such that they will be valued by others. a well-behaved child, a service performed gracefully, self-sacrifice for others - these are all strategies employed to gain appreciation. however, like all games, all the players are really in it for themselves, unless they are your allies. and even then, they may stab you in the back if they can get away with it.
however, like all games, it breaks down when the players don't follow the rules. if you don't base your self-esteem on how much you perceive other people value you, for example in individuals with narcissistic personality disorder, and in people who believe in a benevolent god.
17.9.05
the pen is mightier than the sword
medball last night was the best ever. the evening started slowly, with tuna sandwiches and shots of longan vodka. we got a ride there in dunno's car, and pretty much straight away i was catching up with people i hadn't seen for months and years. there was a strong final years turn out - everyone wanted to make the most of our last ball. throughout dinner, drinks, smokes downstairs, on the dance floor - the love was flowing freely, the air was warm and fuzzy, the sense of comraderie palpable. the end of our six year journey is in sight, at times even too quickly. together, we are living the dying moments of our university lives. it's flashing past us, and frantically we are trying to savour it, biting off pieces of each other and chewing madly, grinning, laughing, laying down memories that must last forever:
brumbles, a myriad of pink and purple, blue and green, a pixie with her large grey-gold eyes and her wild flowing brown curls; lou, in shimmering pink, her sheer dress showing off her tanned swimmer's legs, laughing at baz, who seemed to me to have grown even taller in the last few months, towering over everyone; xiang looked like a gorgeous film goddess, her black eye shadow and dress smouldering; pete, always reserved, listening and shrugging his shoulders; jim making funny faces with me to the camera; gal making the most of the unlimited beverages and busting moves on the dance floor, with an energised mike darting in and out of groups of moving shaking twisting bobbing people; mark with his silver hat; joe with his big big smiles; manny trying to find his feet, red faced, still delivering his passes at all the girls with the usual zest; mary, in a stunning white dress with pink frills and her black hair bobbing in a multitude of perfect curls; eric, looking the most relaxed i've ever seen him, grinning; suz wearing a very flattering dress; rong and larry, hand in hand; paul with his darth vader mask; a very drunk steph falling into everyone's arms; ed with red wine down the front of his silk shirt; some random bloke who spent half an hour talking to me about flying... and with a startle, it was time to leave for the after party. a frenzy of photos, promises to see each other later, hugs and kisses, and a very drunk gal being escorted out by three bouncers.
in midst of all the happy chaos of the night, i remember catherine telling me about letters. when people put things down in writing, their words have so much power, they mean more than is said. i've gotten a few letters through the years and i've written lots of them. i've never been one to take photos; i can't draw or paint well enough to capture anything; and my double bass playing days have long faded into pleasant memories. but i love writing. i love words. they are the only tools i know how to use, even if only in a clumsy and inadequate way, to leave footprints behind me as i wander through the mysteries of life.
brumbles, a myriad of pink and purple, blue and green, a pixie with her large grey-gold eyes and her wild flowing brown curls; lou, in shimmering pink, her sheer dress showing off her tanned swimmer's legs, laughing at baz, who seemed to me to have grown even taller in the last few months, towering over everyone; xiang looked like a gorgeous film goddess, her black eye shadow and dress smouldering; pete, always reserved, listening and shrugging his shoulders; jim making funny faces with me to the camera; gal making the most of the unlimited beverages and busting moves on the dance floor, with an energised mike darting in and out of groups of moving shaking twisting bobbing people; mark with his silver hat; joe with his big big smiles; manny trying to find his feet, red faced, still delivering his passes at all the girls with the usual zest; mary, in a stunning white dress with pink frills and her black hair bobbing in a multitude of perfect curls; eric, looking the most relaxed i've ever seen him, grinning; suz wearing a very flattering dress; rong and larry, hand in hand; paul with his darth vader mask; a very drunk steph falling into everyone's arms; ed with red wine down the front of his silk shirt; some random bloke who spent half an hour talking to me about flying... and with a startle, it was time to leave for the after party. a frenzy of photos, promises to see each other later, hugs and kisses, and a very drunk gal being escorted out by three bouncers.
in midst of all the happy chaos of the night, i remember catherine telling me about letters. when people put things down in writing, their words have so much power, they mean more than is said. i've gotten a few letters through the years and i've written lots of them. i've never been one to take photos; i can't draw or paint well enough to capture anything; and my double bass playing days have long faded into pleasant memories. but i love writing. i love words. they are the only tools i know how to use, even if only in a clumsy and inadequate way, to leave footprints behind me as i wander through the mysteries of life.
14.9.05
a new ride to school
catherine bought a new car yesterday. it's a shiny silver toy and runs along really quietly and smoothly like a pleasant dream. she's been sighing a lot of contented sighs and has been exuding happiness all over the place. we wagged a tute this afternoon and drove to williamstown for ice cream. we talked and looked at the sea and the approaching storm clouds. it was a much better way to spend an afternoon then listen to case presentations...
lots of people have been buying/thinking of buying new toys lately. many people have said we should spend the money because we've earned it. i don't know if i deserve anything... i haven't worked particularly hard in the last six years, except in the last month of my ams year. i haven't done anything for anyone and i know so pitifully little, and so much has already been given to me: the privilege to listen to other people's secrets, the right to be present when someone is dying or being born, the power to change someone's life.
lots of people have been buying/thinking of buying new toys lately. many people have said we should spend the money because we've earned it. i don't know if i deserve anything... i haven't worked particularly hard in the last six years, except in the last month of my ams year. i haven't done anything for anyone and i know so pitifully little, and so much has already been given to me: the privilege to listen to other people's secrets, the right to be present when someone is dying or being born, the power to change someone's life.
11.9.05
floating
it's sunday morning, the best time of the week. A lazy breakfast, hot plunger coffee and warm sun, throwing open the curtains and the windows to let the light and fresh air breath new life into my room, clearing up the mess and my mind, floating to the surface, feeling not-so-tired for the first time in many days, and for a fleeting moment, contentment.
last night we had dinner at min's new apartment, which showcased her personality: a synthesis of good taste, neurotic determination, and artistic flair. a hotchpotch of cultural influences and subtle reflections of the people in her life: her parents, her sister, ying. but mostly reflections of her: she has a very strong sense of self. a very private person, she treasures her own company, so it was a real privilege to be let into her world for the evening.
thoughts about life today: it's a matter of letting go and trying to get somewhere at the same time. chaos and randomness is good only in small doses. i need meaning in my life. even if it's based on delusions.
last night we had dinner at min's new apartment, which showcased her personality: a synthesis of good taste, neurotic determination, and artistic flair. a hotchpotch of cultural influences and subtle reflections of the people in her life: her parents, her sister, ying. but mostly reflections of her: she has a very strong sense of self. a very private person, she treasures her own company, so it was a real privilege to be let into her world for the evening.
thoughts about life today: it's a matter of letting go and trying to get somewhere at the same time. chaos and randomness is good only in small doses. i need meaning in my life. even if it's based on delusions.
6.9.05
time
things that you've left undone,
become things you will never have the chance to do again;
time passed -
the world has changed -
you have changed -
there are new challenges to be met,
and the old ones must remain regrets.
how many times have i wished i could redo these six years again, and learn things properly? how many times have i said or done something, or not said or done something, that i wish i could go back and change? too many... and in a blink of the eye we will be graduating. no more uni student freedom; no more excuses for not knowing; no more luxury of wagging something knowing it won't matter too much.
back in the swing of things: standing around in corridors waiting for things to happen; eating crappy lunches in hospital cafeterias; feeling tired at the beginning of the day; too many things on the to-do list and not enough motivation to do anything. this is a sad state of affairs. i need a mind trick to fix my malaise...
you fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way...
plans that either come to naught,
or half a page of scribbled lines...
- pink floyd
become things you will never have the chance to do again;
time passed -
the world has changed -
you have changed -
there are new challenges to be met,
and the old ones must remain regrets.
how many times have i wished i could redo these six years again, and learn things properly? how many times have i said or done something, or not said or done something, that i wish i could go back and change? too many... and in a blink of the eye we will be graduating. no more uni student freedom; no more excuses for not knowing; no more luxury of wagging something knowing it won't matter too much.
back in the swing of things: standing around in corridors waiting for things to happen; eating crappy lunches in hospital cafeterias; feeling tired at the beginning of the day; too many things on the to-do list and not enough motivation to do anything. this is a sad state of affairs. i need a mind trick to fix my malaise...
you fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way...
plans that either come to naught,
or half a page of scribbled lines...
- pink floyd
3.9.05
the views... from here
well the general practice rotation is over. 'twas a good five weeks, generally - my choice to "go rural" has been vindicated. it has also been a taste of what is to come next year, working and living in that big country town, away from my closest mates and the familiar hangouts. i've decided i don't mind it too much. with time, things will work themselves out somehow. maybe it's the dude upstairs. maybe things just become less important the further away you get from them. i don't know. but time alone to think will be good; the generalist training sounds like what i want; and the money would be handy, of course.
do you get the feeling i'm still trying to convince myself to like something that has already been decided? bloody mind tricks...
thursday night was a good night. i was already comfortable with baz and brumbles, but over dinner at eurekas and drinks later at the views, i got to know steph, ele and paul a lot better. we were pretty happy - full of cigarettes and alcohol, comeraderie, and cheers at the end of time away from our homes and habits. at dinner, first i saw dr baxter (who talked excitedly about cyclical neutropoenia) and shook hands with his table; then julie, as we were about to leave, so had to do the rounds at her table too. it was just like going down lygon street...
do you get the feeling i'm still trying to convince myself to like something that has already been decided? bloody mind tricks...
thursday night was a good night. i was already comfortable with baz and brumbles, but over dinner at eurekas and drinks later at the views, i got to know steph, ele and paul a lot better. we were pretty happy - full of cigarettes and alcohol, comeraderie, and cheers at the end of time away from our homes and habits. at dinner, first i saw dr baxter (who talked excitedly about cyclical neutropoenia) and shook hands with his table; then julie, as we were about to leave, so had to do the rounds at her table too. it was just like going down lygon street...
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