nightdriving

i've been doing a lot of driving up-and-down the western highway; thinking; being alone. i've been feeing the pang again, occasionally. but mostly i've trapped my feelings inside a box and hidden it from my mind.

taisia is wearing her new ring. bono fucked up. i made it back to ballarat in under an hour. caught up with the boys and made pigs of ourselves at a local pokies club. and in the midst of all that, the patients came and went. i cared about a few of them. but mostly i just pretended to care.

the end is coming, they cried. i don't care. for me, it was over a long time ago.

almost famous

walking up mair street, along the lake, through the pub was the most ridiculous thing i'd ever done. cars slowed down. people waved and whistled. guys said gday to me and complimented me... on my bright red wig, tiny nursing hat, starched nursing dress, tight stockings, and black cfm boots with three inch heels.

balloons, black and silver with tiny stars. cocktails green and red flowing freely. beautiful girls in frocks. beautiful guys in frocks. the velvety night where everything seemed possible. the band played faith no more, otis redding, and van morrison. i danced with a girl with dark eyes and a pink dress. another in pearls and a black slip. then ten others from outpatients, pharmacy, speech and the wards.

i was drunk. then i became sober. the champagne and beers tasted stale. we became split up. i don't know what happened to the girl in pink. lined up to get in a crappy bar. shuffled to awful electronic music. got sick of everything and everyone. and then...

it was three am and i curled up in my room wondering what to do with the rest of my life.

back in the thick of it

things i love about being back at the qe
- good nurses at gandarra, working with clare and kirrily
- team approach to problems
- a chance treat the whole patient and consider other aspects of management such as resources distribution and family dynamics
- independence to make my own management plans and decisions

things i abhor about being back at the qe
- terrible nursing support at the other wards
- the evils of overnight on calls
- behavioural and psychotic symptoms of dementia
- isolation from other interns and inadequate medical backup

examples that typified the qe experience
- an excellent lunch time discussion about medical ethics
- a nurse coming up to me and saying 'mr x has a temperature. it's 37.4' and me saying 'so... it's normal'
- working out the pros and cons of discharging a competent patient with a high risk of falls. he wants to go home, has a poor prognosis of weeks, has a supportive family, but will probably represent with a fractured nof
- explaining to a patient why she is inappropriate for resuscitation, while she struggles to breath and stay awake because of her end stage right heart failure, while she continues to insist she has the right to go to icu if she becomes unwell
- the same nurse interrupting me in a middle of an admission to wave a thermometer in my face, saying 'mrs y has a temperature of 38.7', having recorded no other vital signs, and later finding out they've been recording temperatures above 38 for the last few days, and had told no one
- having disinhibited old ladies yelling out for the good looking doctor to come back and spend time with them a la house

it's satisfying to notice the changes in myself since the last time i was here. i have so much more perspective and confidence dealing with basic ward problems now. and even hairy situations find me calm and problem solving, rather than frozen with indecision. sure, there are still many problems i can't deal with. but there will always be those.

i'm beginning to think of myself as a real doctor now.