the great melbourne escape

wednesday i caught the train into town. got a terrible lopsided haircut for $15, except of course i didn't know it at the time, as i was preoccupied, wondering where the organs would go in the girl who was cutting my hair, her waist being miniscule. i went to buy a pair of shoes and couldn't decide between two. so i got them both. lou would be so proud of me. galaxy and i met up for lunch at spicy fish, then we went and bought some brewing suppies. finally, we went to pick up my car from the depot in laverton. at last i was driving around on my own, in peak hour traffic, doing 6km an hour. fantastic. dinner with the gang. pete and gal weren't happy with the chilli steamboat. they had stomach pains. i think my stomach linings have already been stripped away and replaced by scars, for i didn't feel a thing.

thursday pete and i wasted a day at the local shopping centre. we spent an hour looking for a new wallet to buy. and another hour playing eighties arcade games. finally we saw the new mission impossible movie. it was good action. afterwards we went to footscray to have dinner with gal, and we rented the life aquatic dvd. it was a wonderful way to spend an evening.

today we went to the art gallery and saw a french film. it was called playtime. hilarious in the usual european manner. we did the zissou dance (ie a jig accompanied by the theme song of the movie from last night) a number of times at inappropriate locations, attracting several humorous glances. i think they must be jealous of our happiness.

*

ACT TWO, SCENE THREE

The stage is set for pre-admission clinic. There are three chairs on the left of stage, where the cafeteria scene in Act One took place. GALAXY sits across from a man in his early sixties, MR VLADMIR TOMIC. He is accompanied by his daughter, ANNA, an anaemic anorexic annoying girl in her mid-twenties. She has very proptotic eyes, which are emphasised by a pair of incredibly large, incredibly pink spectacles. The trio are in the middle of a heated discussion.

ANNA

(Waving her arms all over the place) I just don't understand why my dad needs to have this operation!

GALAXY

Uh. Well, actually I don't really know either. (Stops and quickly realizes this is less than satisfactory) Basically, we're here to make sure Mr TOMIC is fit for surgery. As an intern I'm not really here to talk about the pros and cons of the procedure. I’m sure the surgeon has already discussed all that with your father in detail -

MR TOMIC

Call me Vlad. My friends all call me Vlad. It's short for Vladmir.

GALAXY

Uh sure Vlad.

ANNA

Anyway. But what do you mean pros and cons? How can we agree to have surgery if we don't know what the pros and cons are? We don't even know what the procedure is!

GALAXY

Well, um. Let's see. (Peers down at the clipboard on his lap, flicks through several pages, and then pronounces with great difficulty) It's called pan-sigmoido-jejuno-cholecystectomy with an ileo-neocolon reconstruction.

MR TOMIC

MR WAXY assures me it will make me a new man. I shall once again have the sexual prowess of five stallions. I will be able to wield my penis like a light sabre, as I did in my younger days. Did I ever tell you that story about me and four ladies in a tin shed?

GALAXY

Uh, I'm not sure.

ANNA

Dad!

MR TOMIC

It was when you were made, my little one. Although I cannot remember which one your mother was. Let me assure you they were all very good.

ANNA

(Sighs) So tell us a bit more about this operation.

GALAXY

Well, it basically involves removing a large section of Vlad's bowels. Uh, I mean, a moderate section. Actually, what I mean is, just the necessary sections of Vlad's bowels. So that as much of the cancer is removed as possible. But because so much of the bowels are removed. Uh I mean, because it is impossible, uh, I mean, technically difficult, to rejoin the ends of the bowels, we will make a new rectum from a piece of the gut, and connect that up to the anus.

ANNA

Right. This all sound very complicated.

GALAXY

Oh not at all. We do these operations all the time. I saw one last month. I mean, yesterday.

ANNA

Okay. Well, are there any risks associated with this procedure?

GALAXY

(Immediately) None that I know of.

NATLIE

What? That sounds. Incredible.

GALAXY

Uh, well, actually there are the usual risks associated with any procedures. There are the risks of the general anaesthetic, bleeding, infection, and death. (Quickly adds) But these are all very rare.

ANNA

Death?! What?! You mean, my father may die from this operation?

GALAXY

Yeah it's a possibility. But it’s, uh, a very remote possibility. I haven't seen anyone die on the table yet. So, it's probably just a myth they tell us as junior doctors to scare us.

ANNA

(Starts to cry) We didn't know he might die from this…

GALAXY

(At a complete loss as to how to deal with this, talks to himself) Uh, when all else fails, retreat to that biopsychosocial bullshit we were taught in first year. (Turns to ANNA) Let's see, he has cancer. He is going to die anyway. So if he dies on the table, then he dies as planned, just a bit earlier.

ANNA

What are you talking about! FUCK!

GALAXY

Uh, what I mean is, psychologically speaking, your father is ready to move on. He is suffering, don't you see? He has cancer. He is already dead inside, no? This will merely be a formality. Uh, I mean, a part of the life continuum. A normal part of life, that is.

ANNA

A normal part of - (Stands up and points her finger at a startled GALAXY) You have no idea what you're talking about! What the hell are you saying? Listen to yourself! FUCK!

GALAXY

Oops. I mean, socially, if anyone had to live with an ugly daughter like yourself, they're probably better of dead anyway, wouldn't you agree? (Turns hurriedly towards MR TOMIC, looking for support) It must have been very difficult for you.

MR TOMIC

I don't know what happened. I only ever shagged good-looking women with enormous breasts who cooked fantastic bacon and eggs and were unable to speak. That's the secret to a good marriage.

ANNA

(Exasperated) This is too much! I am going to make a formal complaint about this. This is ridiculous!

GALAXY

Well, it's lucky I paid my medical indemnity insurance last month, isn't it? And my AMA membership! Did you know I can salary package these things?

Blackout.