tlog part one

once upon a time on a rainy cold april evening two interns who were not at work found themselves unwilling to stir from the house to go and watch one football team (whom one of them barracks for) get thrashed by another team. so instead they decided to write a play which incidentally paid out one of their friends which is of course just fabulous. so about eight hours and countless glasses of vodka and oranges later, they came up with this piece of shit. enjoy this first scene! (soon to be followed by other equally obscene scenes)

*
THE END

This play starts from the end. It is the product of two interns who were bored out of their brains one evening. They probably should've been at work, doing some sort of mind-numbing pointless paperwork. But, alas, they were not.

The year was 2006.

Not that this has anything to do with the play.

THE LIFE OF GALAXY
(OTHERWISE KNOWN AS, HITCHHIKER'S GUIDE TO THE GALAXY)

By Chi Li and Peter Savas

ACT ONE, SCENE ONE

A drunken young Asian man is sitting at the main control of a busy suburban hospital emergency department. He is resting his head on the desktop. He is very hung over. He did not need to be there that day. His patients did not need him to be there that day. Nevertheless, he was there. Such is the futility and pointlessness of an intern's existence.

There are a few miscellaneous staff hanging about. In particular, PANAGIOTIS, a unshaven middle-aged orderly; GINGER, an blonde-haired green-eyed possibly-buxom Irish nurse; RALPH, otherwise known as WANKER, who is the excuse for security around the place.

Control is at the centre of the stage, and PANAGIOTIS is sitting at the computer checking out his share prices. To the left of stage is a window with a sign reading TRIAGE above it. RALPH is leaning against a wall near this window, flicking through a well-read softcore porn magazine. At the other end of the stage is a hospital bed, surrounded by other associated emergency department paraphernalia, where GINGER is busy doing not much at all.

LOUDSPEAKER
Dr Wong please come to triage. Repeat, can Dr Nebula Wong please come to triage.

Galaxy turns his head with much reluctance, without lifting his head off the table, such that his ear is directed toward the loudspeaker.

LOUDSPEAKER
Dr Wong please come to triage. Repeat, can Dr Milky Way Wong please come to triage.

GALAXY
(To himself) FUCK!

Stirring himself from his desk with great difficulty, Galaxy trudges towards the side of the stage where GINGER is standing.

PANAGIOTIS
(Pointing to the other end of the stage, without looking up from the computer) Nah mate I think you want to go that way mate.

GALAXY
(Grunts) FUCK!

Galaxy turns around slowly, with great difficulty, and makes his way over to the other side of the stage.

VOICEOVER
Hi doctor we've got a cat 5 in the bay three with abdominal pain for you.

GALAXY
(Resigned) Have a nice day.

VOICEOVER
Have a very nice day.

GALAXY
No, have a very very nice day.

VOICEOVER
Why thank you.

Galaxy smirks and picks up some paperwork. An unreasonable amount of paperwork for a new cat 5 patient. In fact, it is so unreasonable he carries it in a milk crate. He heads over to the middle of the stage, where the bed is. GINGER pops up a cut out of a cat.

GINGER
Oh hi there Dr XP-3592! This is Mrs Pnong Phem Diou. I'm afraid she doesn’t seem to speak much English. Do you speak Mongolian, by any chance?

GALAXY
(Dropping the milk crate on the floor) I don't think Mrs Diou speaks Mongolian either. In fact, what the fuck, she is a cat!

MRS DIOU
(In a heavy Vietnamese accent) Meow.

GINGER
(Offended, placing her hands on her hips emphatically, the crease in her uniform accentuating her possibly large breasts) What do you mean? She is a cat 5 patient with abdominal pain! A real patient with real problems!

GALAXY
No, she's a fucking cat.

MRS DIOU
Meow!

GALAXY
(Shrugs) Yeah whatever. (Picks up some paperwork from the crate) So Mrs Diou what can I do for you today?

MRS DIOU
Meow.

GALAXY
(Rapid-fire) Right right I see. And where exactly is this pain? Is it burning? Is it dull? Or is it in fact, rather sharp? Does it radiate to your left arm or your throat or perhaps your back? Tell me, does anything make it better or worse? How long has the pain been there for? On the scale of zero to ten, where zero is no pain at all and ten is the worst pain you can imagine, how bad would you say the pain is?

MRS DIOU
Meow.

GALAXY
Uh-huh uh-huh. And who is at home with you?

MRS DIOU
Meow.

GALAXY
Oh really? That must be very difficult for you. (A moment of very awkward silence ensues) Em. Right. So. Uh. I think we need to get some. Uh. Scans of your tummy. That's it. A CAT scan of you abdomen. Right.

MRS DIOU
Meow.

It is at this point JIM enters the stage from the end of the triage window. JIM is the senior registrar on the floor today. He is a neurotic man in his late twenties wearing a very colourful tie with shoes that completely do not match. JIM sleeps very little. His hands shake from ten cups of coffee consumed in rapid succession. He is in his final year of advanced training and belongs to the new school of emergency physicians who are obsessed with costing and evidence.

GINGER
(Bats her eyelashes at JIM and sticks out her possibly large chest) Good morning Dr Jim!

JIM
Hi GINGER. Hi - uh - doctor. What's your name again?

GALAXY
Galaxy. I'm one of the new interns here.

JIM
Uh right. So what's happening here?

GALAXY
Uh. Well Mrs Diou is a 47 year old cat who presented with a two day history of worsening colicky abdominal pain. She has a background of diverticular disease.

JIM
Right and what are your differential diagnoses?

GALAXY
Uh… appendicitis?

JIM
In a 47 year old?

GALAXY
Uh yes yes of course not. Uh… (long pause) Von den Spoonerfaben's disease?

JIM
And have you any idea what the incidence of Von den Spoonerfaben's disease in Australia is?

GALAXY
Uh… no?

JIM
About one in three million. What are the other features of Von den Spoonderfaben's disease you would expect to find in this lady?

GALAXY
Look I fucking don't know alright you snobbish up-yourself fuck! Just because you've nearly finished your bloody training doesn’t mean you can make me feeling like an incompetent dick, you fuck!

JIM
(Has completely failed to register the outburst) So what about constipation?

GALAXY
(Exasperated) What?

JIM
Do you think she could have constipation?

GALAXY
Uh… I guess.

JIM
So how would you confirm this?

GALAXY
Uh… do a CAT scan?

JIM
A WHAT?!

GALAXY
A CAT scan. You know, put her through a multi-slice X-ray thing.

JIM
I know what a CAT scan is! Have you any idea how much a CAT scan costs?

GALAXY
Uh… about three dollars?

JIM
Try three hundred dollars! Three hundred and nine dollars, to be exact! Now why would you do a CAT scan to confirm constipation, when you can just stick your finger up her arse and find out the same thing?

GALAXY
Uh… well, because I'd rather not stick my finger up anyone's arse?

JIM
You'd rather not what?

GALAXY
Forget it. (Nods to RALPH) Wanker!

RALPH puts down his softcore porn magazine and saunters over to the bay.

RALPH
Yeah what do you want?

GALAXY
You want to stick your finger up a cat's arse?

RALPH
(Shrugs) What again?

Lights dim.