letting go

last sunday night i was feeling down in the dumps. basically there are things i can't do anything about, but i thought i could. this disparity made me frustrated, and i directed my frustration inwards, resulting in a downward spiral of self-blame and feelings of inadequacy. my problem is i care too much - i'm naturally an obsessive person. at the same time i am very possessive. if something goes wrong it must be my fault. this is an evil combination of personality traits.

luckily lou was online to straighten me out. after i vented a lot of frustration, we came up with three helpful thoughts to replace my warpy ones: 1) it's not just you; 2) it will never work, it's bad for you, let it go; 3) there isn't anything you can do about this, but there are things you can do something about. now i have these written on the back of my door. and i think it's working. the problems are still there, but it's not all my fault. i feel happier. it's a strange feeling.

lou believes there is good and beauty in all of us, waiting to grow, and that god has good things planned for us if only we'd let go of our worldly obsessions and trust in him. i look around and see only misery and ugliness threatening to overwhelm whatever goodness that sparks, and that god (if he exists) doesn't care about us at all. i often wonder why we don't argue more. maybe it's because our viewpoints are so far apart we don't ever come close to clashing. but since last sunday night i've been thinking about lou's viewpoint. it says we have a choice. we can choose to make our lives worthwhile. that it's not necessarily a losing battle, a futile effort, a burden we must carry until we die.

i don't know what is happening to me. am i becoming an optimist?