momento mori

the man in room 15 presented with a three-month history of hoarse voice, lethargy, anorexia and weight loss. CT chest showed a left hilar mass and mediastinal lymphadenopathy. Bone scan revealed widespread metastases. CT brain, abdomen and pelvis lit up liver mets, adrenal mets, bone mets, pleural effusions, the works. We are waiting for his CT-guided lung biopsy results to come back from the lab. But he is a sitting duck. We all think he is fucked. I'm sure he can tell from our voice and our eyes.

I hae been telling him to eat, to get out of bed and mobilise, in order to maintain his weight and muscle bulk, so he can remain fit for chemotherapy. It's war, I tell him, and you must be fit. You've got to buff up so you can fight it. But what is it all for?

I have seen his family. Met his anxious wife and daughter. They have no idea what he is in for. Will I be seeing them in day oncology in two weeks' time? Will they be like all the others, giving up their own lives to extend his? Will it all be worth it?

The woman in room 18's blood films came back confirming her neutrophilia. Toxic granules and band forms. She has a serious bacterial infection and we are giving her ciprofloxacin. She was asymptomatic so we sent her home. But we haven't found a bug. Perhaps we should bring her back in and scan her head to toe. An abscess, a fistula, anything. Her grandchildren were clueless and a little intimidated by all the goings-on of an acute medical ward. Will they lose their grandmother because the doctors couldn't find bacteria?

The pathologists' middle son got married the other weekend. His eldest has just become a father, and his youngest is graduating from physiotherapy school this year. I was going home on my afternnon off, and he was strolling back to work afater lunch at home, so we were both having great afternoons.

They have all delivered their genes successfully to the next generation. I have only my patients.

classy characters in the rat

starry nights

saturday was the grandfinal gathering at weifies. sunday, monday and tuesday were spent madly doing my arts essay on european integration (yawn). med cover wednesday night. a most excellent party at the students compound thursday evening (trolley fire! eighties music! giggling gyrating blonde medical students! core!)

can't hardly keep my eyes open and the maxalon down today. phwo!

is life supposed to be filled with meaning? when i stop to think about it, my life seems to be dominated by feelings rather than meaning. mostly emptiness and loneliness, with moments of overwhelming rapture that threatens to blow me up to a billion pieces. but these days im far too busy to stop for long. which is good, because im not cut-up by all these feelings. but its also bad. because im starting to not give a shit.

outta my way, damn scrooges!

home alone

i have been a busy little bee.

weekend away with gal, brumbles and kermit at the grampians. we walked for miles. we played plenty of games. mount williams at sunset was really nice. lunch on top of the hallow mountain was fantastic fun. we were all exhausted on the way home. exhausted-silly.

med cover weekend reminded me how much fun acute medicine could be. it was steady, but not busy; easy but not quiet; no codes!

i love oncology. working with three interesting women (jackie, yen and kate). interesting patients. interesting problems. lots of palliative care. i have even managed to go to clinic once! it's a sign of bigger and better things to come, fingers crossed. and acute care nurses, thank the lord for them!

now for a weekend of rest and arts homework. brumbles is going away for five weeks to europe. aaron has a couple of weeks off in perth. i will be home alone. sigh.

time

a mate of mine recently got engaged. i only found out a little while after the fact. actually, many people did. a few were mystified by this delay. some have even been apparently offended. inevitably people are guessing, wondering, coming up with conspiracy theories, trying to justify to themselves why they haven't been told, casting a shadow on what should be a very exciting and happy moment. i must admit that i too was mystified and felt a general unease at how things have turned out. it's so unfair! why should this been happening to such a gorgeous person during such a wonderful time?

thank god brumbles (another mate) cut through all the crap and declared: it's none of their business.

perhaps she had wanted to keep it her little secret just for a little while, a promise just between two people. to be able to go about her daily business with a core of happiness bubbling inside, washing over all the stresses of day-to-day life. i think it's a brilliant thing to do. like eloping with your lover, it is a private moment shared, defiant against the world. fantastic.

i suggested to brumbles that perhaps a big engagement party is what will clear the foul air and make the atmosphere warm and fuzzy once more. she shook her head and said: why? it's not her style, and she owes nobody anything. but how else is this to be resolved? i wondered. she hrmf-ed wisely and said: time.

oh all bow down before the wise one.