physically i am tired but mentally i am restless. i tell myself it's the camaraderie but i suspect it's the subconscious sense of power i get from doing night cover, the feeling that what i do is worthwhile, urgent and important.
last night i watched clint eastwood's latest movie gran torino, and it left me with an idea that won't leave me. like a cancer it grows at the edge of my consciousness, gnawing away incessantly until it crowds out all other thoughts and takes over my mind. even as i slept it builds, initially infecting my dreams, then dragging me into the timeless limbo between wakefulness and sleep, until finally i struggle awake, still exhausted in body and agitated in psyche. i yearn for release, for someone to talk to, to bounce ideas off, to share and echo and reaffirm and help me make sense of it. but there is no one. my mind turns and turns around it. It can't let go. loneliness is reinforced. i sit and smoke and pace and makes cups of tea that i leave half-drunk and tries to find distractions in a million little things. but it's no use.
when one sins, one at least is directed towards a goal: forgiveness. even if man cannot grant it, perhaps god can. but if one hasn't sinned, what then? those that live blameless lives live without purpose. why has god given us no meaning but granted us free will? why can I not decide? why am i left to my own devices? isn't that dangerous? isn't that... when everything is possible, nothing is sacred. i live in fear of such freedom.
maybe that's why, as much as i bitch and moan about it, work is the only activity that defines my existence at the moment, and keep me from going insane.
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