21.2.06

sleeping awake

i'm really tired in the mornings these days. the morning after my on-call nights are naturally the worst. even if i'm not called in. i fall asleep poised on the edge of awakening, waiting for the phone to ring, for another one of my oldies to get sick. now it's five cups of coffee a day. forty milligrams of proton pump inhibitors in the morning. a hurried lunch if i have time. it's almost all a blur. the only images i remember are my patients. their faces. their stories. they're mine. my babies. i love them.

this is surely pathological.

moved into keith house on saturday night. it hasn't changed one bit. the others are whinging about it and they're right. but lethargy overtakes me after six weeks and i'm just happy to have a home to stay in. to be able to have a beer out the front under the tree. watch the stars in the cold ballarat evenings. i am content.

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