Later on that morning, after the consultant ward round, while I’m waiting for my new friend Mohammed to organise my discharge paperwork, an eager and very pretty fourth year med student found me. The lucky girl got her long case in half an hour. I even helped her with the lymph node examinations. I wonder if it’s unethical for a patient to ask their medical student out. What am I thinking – of course it’s unethical!
I ask her (nicely) to get my file so we could read it together. Mohammed’s writing is terrible. There is nothing to see on my X-ray but I get Sarah (the medical student) to talk me through it anyway, just for practice. She is better than I was when I was in fourth year, that’s for sure. Before she leaves she asks me a few interesting questions.
‘Is it weird being a patient?’
‘Yeah. Although, they treat me a bit better because I’m supposed to be on their side. But no one tells you anything. The nurses have no idea what’s going on. The residents have no idea either, unless they read my file. The reg is nice but I hardly see him. And the consultants have even less time. You lose all your privacy. You can’t sleep properly at night. And the food is bad.’
‘What does it feel like being diagnosed with cancer?’
‘It’s really strange. For a while it was like, no way! I was supposed to be finishing med school and doing my internship this year. But then the shock kinda hit me about half way through my first consultation, and I didn’t really hear what else the doctor told me after that. They booked me in for chemo and all that, but I just kinda went along with it. I didn’t even though if I wanted chemo. Hadn’t thought about it at all.’
‘What do you mean? Why wouldn’t you want to have chemo?’
‘Well… I don’t know. People always assume you want to live. I wasn’t sure about that. I mean, living is such a chore, sometimes. But I was like, okay, I have cancer. What the fuck do I do now?
‘But it forces you to re-think everything. I mean, you know how you have to get up by a certain time because you had to come into the hospital by a certain time and sit through tutes you didn’t want to go to because you are afraid you might miss something? Or you watch a movie or go out with your friends and you feel guilty because you should be studying?
‘Well, all of a sudden I didn’t have to worry about any of that any more. I didn’t have to worry about passing exams and moving house. I didn’t have to worry about eating bad food and losing weight and quitting smoking. I could read whatever I wanted, and watch movies or play computer games all day long. It was great. I might die! I might only have a few months or years left! What am I going to do with the time I have left? What do I really want to do right now?
‘And I found I was noticing things more: the colours, the feeling of the sun on your face and arms; the sound of trees swaying in the wind; the people around me, strangers and friends, the colours of the clothes they were wearing, their body language; the smell of food and perfume; music! It was absolutely fantastic!
‘I didn’t think I was going to miss anyone. I mean, other people might miss me, but dying is a very personal thing. It’s the only time when I feel that my time truly belongs to me. I’ve never seen death as a bad thing. Yeah, I know I’m weird.’
‘But you are having chemo now?’
‘Yeah, eventually I came around. My parents and my friends made me go along with it. I was already booked in for the day centre anyway. And, I mean, I know the survival rate of Hodgkin’s is pretty good with chemo. It’d be a bit silly not to give it a go, really. I think I was just toying around with the idea of dying. I didn’t really want my mum to feel sad!
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