lost and happy

today i spent the day with the cat team at broadie, where i met maria the worldly czechoslovakian psych reg, noel and alan the wizened cynical road-weary psych nurse-warriors, and angela the young intelligent idealistic nursing student. i am of course sterotyping outrageously here. it was a fairly quiet day, and i spent the most time talking to maria. she raved on about psychotherapy and got me excited and even suggested i go and see a psychotherapist myself, just to satisfy my curiosity, to cultivate my inner awareness, to explore issues that are ingrained in my subconscious, so i can become a mature and better person and doctor. this lady obvious knew how to push my buttons because i spent the whole afternoon absolutely certain that i wanted to become a psychiatrist. we also chatted about psychiatry training, subspecialties, spending more time in the hospitals gaining exposure to medicine versus streamlining into specialty training, the ridiculousness of diagnosing using DSM-IV criteria, the mental state examination, the new medical curriculum, share housing accommodation, the pros and cons of driving, whether a patient visiting prostitutes is a symptom of mania or simply a lifestyle choice, and whether it is the role of a case manager or the public housing commissioner to clean up a psychiatric patient's flat. i even scored a ride back into town with her in her flashy silver chrysler - sure beats catching the train!

you know i'm not one to conform to social norms; in fact, i like rebelling agains them, sometimes because i see through them, other times just to get a response out of people. but often it's purely accidental (i swear!) - i'm just as lost and confused as the next person, only i like to think i have insight. anyway, today's experience confirmed my belief that being lost can be a good thing. i enjoy being lost. when you have no idea where you are and where you are heading - it's liberating. knowing exactly where you want to go can give you tunnel vision; you forget to look around and enjoy the scenery; you close your heart to the world.

so i say to myself: fuck trying to finish my training as soon as possible. i don't even know if i want to get there. i'm lost and i'm happy. i'm just gonna enjoy the ride, baby! get to know myself; try out all the things that interest me; and go book myself an appointment with a good-looking private psychotherapist!