i never asked for this

i suppose the idea of this whole blog thing is trying to be honest. to lower my defences, break down the walls, strip away the years of mental baggage, so i can regain my innocence. well, here goes...

i think i'm in love again. i hate it, it fucks up your whole life. it makes you question everything you think you know about yourself - as if i don't do that enough already. example: i caught myself reading style tips from a men's magazine (apparently scent rises so you should apply on your chest, lower neck, behind the ears or inner wrist). those of you who know me will appreciate how ridiculous this last statement was. after slapping myself around until i stopped reading, i was forced to admit that, yes, maybe, probably, i've fallen into that mindset of what-can-i-do-to-impress-her again. *sigh* i never asked for this. (side note: i wonder if it is possible to induce asperger's?) it is true that i love listening to people's stories, but when you realise you want to know every little thing that has happened in their life or is happening in their life now - surely even my inner physician thinks that is pathological. so is love a pathological condition? what makes it all the much harder, of course, is you never know what the other person thinks about it. i stare at her with wonder every time she is in the room (trying hard not to be rude) but her glances are inscrutable. as far as i know she isn't the faintest bit attracted to me. however, we all know girls are funny things and sometimes go out with guys just to be in a caring relationship. not that i'd settle for that, of course. but it would be a good start. (haha - this is so incredibly lame.) but what should i do? should i go with my gut instinct that this outpouring of caring and affection is clearly one-sided so just bury it as deep as i can? or should i play the fool and force the situation to a decision on her part? ah, as joe/lou/mark were talking about on thursday night, the dating game is such a bitch.

well, that was pretty shit. and posting this will no doubt force me to submit to incessant probing by you all. well, i'm not going to say shit, kids, so forget it. except, no baz, it's not deb so don't be silly. and if the subject of all my attention is one of the people that asks me about it, ahh, the bittersweet irony of it all.

on to more neutral topics. we're all back from our rural placements, most of us with a smidgeon of nostalgia (even minnie). the last two weeks were pretty much a waste of time. but socially it was awesome. played tennis a few times. went for walks around the lake. enjoyed ourselves at lake view on several occasions. got so wasted we had a date with racv. mark had to scrape me off the pavement outside rattle and scum. went to the fine art gallery in ballarat. went to the anzac day parade at creswick. even the last day was awesome with everyone's presentations being top notch. these four weeks had definitely lived up to our expectations, and they were high ones to start off with, given out last stint at the rat =) it's such an anticlimax to be back in the city, the air foul, the people sullen, the weather cold and overcast. emerg starts on monday and i'm not really looking forward to it. *sigh*