refrain

the phone going off at 3:30pm on that fateful afternoon and recognising laila voice over the airwaves was possibly one of the most dreadful moments of my life. surely it was all over. but to my great surprise, she didnt have bad news for me.

i think i was in shock for the rest of the day. i trudged dutifully to the belgian beer garden, but i really didnt feel like going. i convinced myself that i should do the expected thing, join in the backslapping and cheerful false modesty as everyone breathed a big communal sigh of relief. it was horrible. i left without saying goodbye, which i guess was nothing out of the ordinary for me. instead of a weight being lifted off my shoulder, i think i just felt confused. what do i do now?

this is such a ridiculous state of affairs. how did i find myself in this situation? i mean, its not like im not glad that i passed. on the contrary, im not sure i could have gone through another twelve months of this without some sort of permanent brain damage. but for some reason i feel guilty. the voice in my head is incessant: "i didnt deserve to pass", " i still dont know anything", "i should keep studying"... before the exam it was procrastination; now its denial. its ironic and its sad.

sometimes i really dont know whether to laugh or cry at my useless ego.