i see you

these are scary times.

it's like being a brand new intern again. i print the patient lists in the morning, write in their notes during ward rounds, buy coffee for the team afterwards; i try to laugh at my boss's jokes (it's a bit difficult with the irish accent), try to guess the correct answer to their questions and inevitably get it wrong; and try not to kill anybody. the nurses know far more than i will ever know about everything that scare me: ventilators, haemofilters, and all the other machines that beep incessantly. and when they do (beep), i sneak out of the cubicle quickly, making sure that no one notices, and pray the patient doesn't die before someone else hears the beeping comes to their rescue.

it's great working in a team, partly because i get free coffee, but mostly because it means i don't have to make any decisions. i write what they tell me to write. the registrars are patient and explain everything to me. everyday i go home with a learning list as long as my arm and yet i continue to feel incredibly stupid at the beginning of the next day. in trauma icu everyone has about twenty acute problems. it's so hard to remember who has what injuries: (hang on, didn't we stop vanc on the guy with pseudomonas sepsis? - oh, but there are three guys with pseudomonas sepsis and they're all on different antibiotics regimens).

as well as regressing to my medical student befuddlement, working in trauma has had another effect on my mental state. my daily walks to and from work now fill me with anxiety. i had no idea that so many road accidents take place on melbourne roads. truck versus car. car versus tree, tree versus bike. bike versus pedestrian. so many non-survivable brain injuries. so many organ donations...

i guess it could be worse. at least i am still dreaming...