the waiting game

it is curious that no one i know has blogged about the release of intern matching results a couple of days ago. i know it has certainly stirred up strong emotions - those who have been matched well feel relieved and guilty. those who have been matched poorly (or unmatched) feel angry and worthless. job offers have dominated all conversations and conspiracy theories abound about the integrity of the process. so why this silence in hyperspace? why this self-imposed censorship?

it's ironic that after all this waiting for the offers to come out, now that they're out, there is still uncertainty. and there is still waiting. waiting for the next six months to pass. waiting to earn and spend our money. waiting for something to happen, to show us the way. i remember talking to lou about this waiting business. while patience is a virtue it is no excuse to stagnate. while we wait, we can still act. so while lou explores interior design and ribbons, i shall continue to consider human behaviour. thus over the last few days i read two stories: the death of ivan ilyich, and the crucible. both with a strong moral flavour and heavy on the social commentary.

oh, and there is big brother too, of course. that's just one big social experiment. *grin*

the interpretation of dreams

i've started dreaming again.

or perhaps i've always dreamt, but only recently started remembering. my memory of past dreams seems to contain the particularly disturbing ones. the others are soon forgotten with the lifting of the fog with awakening. i've killed twice: once i bashed someone's head in, then tried to ice their body; the other time i sneaked up on them and broke their neck. i have no recollection of their faces. i've been on the run, running out of time, trapped. i've dreamt of entire stories, intense glimpses of strangers, lasting days and weeks, and woke up in a frenzy to capture them in words before they fade. these people seem real to me, although i have only words to remember them by.

but mostly, i remember dreams i have about people i already know (those of you reading this, beware! =p). in my dreams they do strange things: some are obviously things i wish they'd do when i'm awake; others are too bizarre for me to understand. but clearly they are all reflections of the nuances of my unconscious. maybe i should try to record my dreams - they may help me understand myself more.

interesting reads for those of you on holidays or procrastinating.

on loneliness

"I've never been lonely. I've been in a room -- I've felt suicidal. I've been depressed. I've felt awful -- awful beyond all -- but I never felt that one other person could enter that room and cure what was bothering me...or that any number of people could enter that room. In other words, loneliness is something I've never been bothered with because I've always had this terrible itch for solitude. It's being at a party, or at a stadium full of people cheering for something, that I might feel loneliness. I'll quote Ibsen, "The strongest men are the most alone." I've never thought, "Well, some beautiful blonde will come in here and give me a fuck-job, rub my balls, and I'll feel good." No, that won't help. You know the typical crowd, "Wow, it's Friday night, what are you going to do? Just sit there?" Well, yeah. Because there's nothing out there. It's stupidity. Stupid people mingling with stupid people. Let them stupidify themselves. I've never been bothered with the need to rush out into the night. I hid in bars, because I didn't want to hide in factories. That's all. Sorry for all the millions, but I've never been lonely. I like myself. I'm the best form of entertainment I have. Let's drink more wine!"
- charles bukowski to sean penn, tough guys write poetry.

there's no place like home

so i am sitting at the back of the shop, in front of a muted big brother friday night live (dad's already in bed despite it being not yet 8pm); with mum at the other end of the room, reading her novel with the dictionary open in front of her; ang's in his room listening to pop radio (*shudders*) and doing geeky computer things.

this is my family: we're so very different from each other. we don't share the same interests or even the same goals. all that's holding us together is blood, memories, and a sense of obligation. these sure are strange reasons to have a relationship with someone. and i've realised not much communication is happening between us either. i find i have next to nothing to say to dad or ang, and even with mum, i'm saying less and less because it takes so much effort to explain who everyone is in the story, or the context of what i'm thinking. it's so much easier from day to day just to say nothing, or as little as possible. less talking means less disagreements. ahh... the path of least resistance. until, of course, when we stumble across a topic when neither party is willing to back down. then BOOM! tempers explode, egos are hurt, things get really really messy.

but relationships have to be built on to work well, and this is one relationship i can't just turn my back on and walk away from. i have to be bothered. *sigh* guess i'll just have to give it a go, and hope the effort is reciprocated. it takes two to argue - but it takes two to make things work, too.

navel gazing

yesterday's exam was a lot more painful than it needed to have been... jim is right, the last written exam of our student years and it asks us to make up bullshit. example: give three examples from your rural rotation to illustrate how doctors need to have three competencies for effective team practice. it was basically make-belief story time. what a complete waste of time and energy!

afterwards, a bunch of us saw "2046". it was pretty incredible. i love film with intertwining stories and complexities, especially when they have such exquisite cinematography and costumes. the dialogues in three languages were a bit weird though - thank god for the english subtitles... the same goes for "downfall" i suppose (it was in german). saw that with lou on monday. the acting was very good. and the story - well they didn't actually have to exaggerate or embellish anything - the truth is terrible enough (frau goebbels poisoning her six children is possibly the most chilling scene in film history). the only problem was i kept doing a mental state examination on hitler throughout the movie, ticking off the symtoms and signs of schizophrenia, wondering if these were actually interfering with his occupational and social functioning (i decided they were - after all, he was losing the war). i can see this becoming a very annoying habit.

today is possibly one of the most significant days in rock music history - pink floyd *worships worships* is reforming to play live 8 at hyde park, london. omfg. i'd give anything to be there. and what's worse is it's going to be on foxtel only. what is wrong with you free-to-air people?!?! @#%&$!!

aaaaand finally, intern preferences are closed. the next three weeks won't go fast enough for any of us, i'm sure...